by Kathleen Matson
images by Denise Rankin & Blue Tree Photography
The day I found out I was going to be a mother was the day I decided to be a stay-at-home mom.
I am lucky to have had the choice. I am even luckier to have birthed two healthy and beautiful children within two years of each other. And while I left a career that I found fulfilling and that brimmed with carefree opportunity, it was never even a choice to transition into stay-at-home motherhood. In the blink of an eye, I traded PowerPoints for power naps and Starbucks latte runs for thrice-reheated drip, and a fancy job title for a much simpler, “Mama.”
While my decision was easy, it was and is not without contention. In our hyper-connected world, “doing it all” is seen as a virtue. Being “too busy” is a badge of honor. If you’re not continuously striving and toiling for the next big goal or dream you’re doing something wrong. Be a “goal-getter”, “mother-hustler”, lean in! Do more, achieve more, compete more. We are sold this idea that if we’re not in constant motion, we may just be going no-where. What happened to living a simple and ordinary life, and that being enough?
I don’t want to be so busy striving to have it all that I forget I have just that – ENOUGH.
Kathleen Matson
Since I held those perfect babies in my arms I learned that I whole-heartedly reject the notion of “having it all”. Right now, just having them is enough for me. Enough is appreciating and finding the beauty in the right now, even if I can barely see past the mountain of laundry in front of me or if my counters never seem to be clean. Enough is making snacks and re-reading bedtime stories and weathering tantrums. Enough is these babies. Enough is just being their mom. I don’t want to be so busy striving to have it all that I forget that I have just that — enough. Because I truly have it all. Everything I need; everything I ever wanted.
That is not to say it is easy or that stay-at-home motherhood is idyllic and idealized feminine perfection. It is grinding, thankless, isolating and repetitive work. It is walking away from your children, closing the door to the nearest room behind you, and pulling yourself together because oh my God I just need them to not need me for five minutes. It is doing the necessary work to care for yourself so you stay mentally well – and I don’t mean the bubble-bath kind of self-care, I mean the on-your-knees-praying kind of self-care. And while it is true that being just a mom is enough, that wouldn’t be the case if it were my entire identity. I take great care to carve out time for myself and the things I love that don’t involve my children. But my main point is this: even though my days are very much busy, chaotic even, they are uncomplicated. They are simple. And they are so very beautiful.
Kathleen, Delaney, Max & Tyler
Because even through the frustrations and the monotony and the mundane and the praying, there is so much magic. Holy, heart-stretching and wrenching magic. Twinkling eyes and rosy cheeks and dancing-in-the-kitchen kind of magic. First steps, words, and naps-on-the-couch-together kind of magic. And in the quiet of the evenings after even particularly rough days, I am never not consumed by gratitude to be able to do it an-other day. Even though my body and my mind and my everything are tired, my heart is as full as my hands.
My firstborn taught me that indeed the days are long, but our second showed me just how short the years are. Because the truth is, I’ll never have this day with my children again. All I can do is pray that I can etch the memories of my son’s tiny toes and my daughter’s gleeful voice into my memory forever.
Max William age 1, Kathleen, and Delaney Jane age 3
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” wrote beloved and world-renowned American poet Mary Oliver. In my younger days I embraced the wild of my life – now it is time to lean in to the precious. Because if I know anything, it’s that every-thing can change in the blink of an eye and I am here to revel in every second of their innocence that I can. The hustle will be there when I’m ready to jump back into it. But this one-year-old little boy in my lap will not.
Everything can change in the blink of an eye. I’m here to revel in every second of their innocence.
Kathleen Matson
And so on the brink of every new day, I make the choice to continue to live my life defined by simplicity and gratitude. Gratitude for this roof over our heads, for my wonderful husband who works so hard to give us these slow beautiful days together. Gratitude for the abundance that I have been blessed with in this body and on this earth. For I have designed this life that at the end of the day, no matter how hard – makes me fulfilled and joyful. And in the end, I believe that this is what all moms deserve, no matter what path their motherhood journey may take.